Gratitude. It’s a powerful tool to help recenter and recalibrate in a very chaotic world right now. That feeling of appreciation and contentment. That what you have is enough and you don’t have to seek more. It’s actually quite relieving.
And sadly, it’s lacking in today’s society. Instead we’re more about abundance and entitlement. I too have been guilty of this. Sometimes life feels fiercely competitive or I feel inadequate and turn to excess to resolve my emotions. But it’s these times when it’s so critical to gain perspective and practice gratitude. Because likely, we already have enough.
PRESENT EXCESS
During this holiday season, I’ve seen so much focus on quantity, dollars spent, checking off wishlists, etc. The meaning of giving has gotten lost. Especially with our children. Instead they are overwhelmed with excess that none of it has meaning. And worse, the focus is entirely on them and their validation of getting “enough”.
I’m of the mind that gift giving should be about finding the right gift for someone that conveys special meaning. I know we all have our Christmas lists, gift cards standbys, and we’re not exchanging gifts this year traditions. But isn’t Christmas about sharing what someone means to you by getting a thoughtful gift? The gift that says I know you so well that when I saw this item, I immediately thought of you and knew you’d love it.
I have an aunt who my entire life has given me the most appropriate, thoughtful gifts. She’s just very talented at it. My parents, not so much. They preferred shopping from a provided checklist. My son prefers providing a checklist, so they get along smashingly. Me, I’d rather not know what I’m getting nor give a known gift. I’m in my aunt’s camp.
VOLUNTEER BACKFIRE
I volunteered at a toy drive once. I’ll never do that again. The gifts were divided into genders and age groups (ie 8-11 year old boys, 3-5 year old girls, etc). My assigned task was to retrieve gifts from the appropriate pile and distribute to eligible parents.
I was astonished by the number of indignant people who were unhappy with the donated gift. They wanted to trade for something else or complained it wasn’t good enough. One parent stated her son already had one of the donated gifts from another event and wanted something different. It was a blatant display of self-entitlement and greed.
I suppose I had idyllic thoughts in my head that each recipient would be appreciative and happy for the opportunity to make their child’s Christmas a little brighter. There were very few grateful people that day. Instead they were hostile and abusive. It was an eye opener. I decided going forward, I’d gladly donate a toy and think merry thoughts that I was making a small child happy with my donation.
The experience also made me reflect on my own gift giving behavior. I had been mistakenly equating happiness with number and cost of gifts I gave.
ABUNDANCE SENDS THE WRONG MESSAGE
What I witnessed at the toy drive also applies to our children for Christmas. We tend to make Christmas all about their experiences of receiving. Making sure they get the biggest, brightest, best gifts over and over and over. I’ve seen posts of parents doing the 12 Days of Christmas with their children. Every day leading up to Christmas, the child gets a substantial gift. How could they possibly be grateful? They’re never taught to be content with what they have. Instead we keep overstimulating them with more. We’re enforcing that happiness comes in the form of things, meaningful or not.
And it’s true to some extent, gift giving is one of the Languages of Love. But if we’re not teaching children about giving, it’s going to have some extreme unintended consequences down the road. The child will not learn empathy, be thoughtful or considerate of others.
LIMITS ARE LOVING
I remember as a child asking for things. My mother would firmly say no. I’d say, if you loved me, you’d get it for me. She responded without exception, I’m not getting it for you because I love you. At the time I didn’t understand that. It made no sense but I get it now. Life has told me “no” a lot and I’ve managed to survive every instance thanks to her.
I know tons of parents who never say no. It’s so much easier to just give kids what they want. Hand them an electronic device. Buy them a sweet treat or drink. Let them run loose, disturbing others. What I don’t witness is parents teaching children the act of giving. How good it feels to think of those we love, find a thoughtful gift that reflects our relationship with them and watch with anticipation as they open it. That feeling is the best present.
And that’s what we should all be excited about.
TIPS FOR GIVING GIFTS TO CHILDREN
Here are a few tips how to keep holidays focused on giving rather than receiving for children.
- Minimize gifts to things that are meaningful. Quantity of gifts sends the wrong message. The more gifts the more their value is diminished. Instead choose only a few gifts they will remember and cherish. There’s an old adage about something they want, something they need and a book. I don’t entirely agree with that but I do like the minimalist aspect.
- Consider what your motives are when gift giving. Is it guilt from working long hours, or competing with the other parent? Again, you’re not doing the child any favors. Focus on gifts that compliment the child’s interests & personality and work out your emotional trash in constructive ways such as working fewer hours, or finding more one on one quality time with the child after the holidays.
- Ask friends and family to consider experiences rather than gifts. Such as a movie theater date with the next Pixar release. Or go kart fun on Saturday. This would entitle the person to share the joy with the child and experience it first hand. Understandably, the gift-giving moment doesn’t spark the excitement a new video game would but trust me, the memories will far outlast the video game.
- Focus on reciprocity. Despite spending power or shopping limitations, make sure the child is focused on others. A constant theme should be it’s everyone’s Christmas. Everyone deserves a special Christmas; it’s not just about children.
- Consider volunteering or charitable organizations. Let the child choose a gift to donate to a cause and if possible, allow him to wrap it and drop it off. This teaches her to think of others and realize it feels good.
