Do you shy away from asking for things because either you 1) think you don’t deserve to ask for help or 2) are convinced you’ll be told no, so why bother? Join the club, and honey — it’s a big ‘un.
Asking for help requires emotional strength and face it, too many moms feel they are the ones who should be providing help, not asking for it. I don’t want to appear needy. Or Asking for help makes me look weak, which I’m not! Or I don’t want to bother anyone with my silly issue. Sound familiar?
Asking for help requires emotional strength
Asking for help comes in many forms but it’s essentially any time you make a request of someone else. It can be asking:
- your child to set the table for dinner
- a nearby stranger to grab a high shelf item for you
- the hygienist to be more gentle with the scraping instrument
- your husband to put thought and effort into your birthday gift
All of those examples probably trigger different levels of anxiety, right? But they’re all examples of asking to get our needs met. And I’m here to tell you, we deserve to get our needs met. At the very, very, very least, we deserve to ask.
And so many of us won’t ask.
ASKING FOR HELP CAN BE HARD
It’s hard because we believe our needs aren’t important. It’s about putting ourselves ahead of something else. Making ourselves a priority. Interrupting someone to consider us for a moment. And all of that feels uncomfortable. Asking for support shouldn’t make us feel uncomfortable. It should make us feel empowered.
It’s also hard because others may not see us as perfect. We are accustomed to being the ones who solve the problems, who sacrifice for others. We’re the Emergency Contact in everyone’s lives. What’s that say if the EC goes down?
It says we’re human. Not superhuman. So sometimes we need a little support to keep the plates in the air. It doesn’t imply we aren’t capable. Puhlease. We pull off the impossible. So why is it a stretch to believe we could use a little help from time to time? Some relief on occasion. Relief we’re entitled to.
ASKING FOR HELP IS CRUCIAL
Just because we can do it all on our own definitely doesn’t mean we should do it all on our own. The fallout will be detrimental to our physical, mental and emotional well being. If it’s all give and no take, more than plates will be crashing to the ground. And nobody wants that.
We are entitled to have help. Sometimes it’s willfully offered but more often than not, we need to ask. Others can’t read our minds. Also it’s very likely we project onto others that we’ve got it together (even though we may not). That any offer of assistance is an insult because we are fiercely independent and in total control at all times. Cue Helen Reddy’s I Am Woman.
But in actuality, we’d welcome a kind offer of assistance. Not one that is judgmental (did you really think you were going to lift this 50 lb bag into your trunk by yourself?) or one that is conditional (hey while I’m fixing the front door maybe you could make those oatmeal cookies for my work tomorrow). We need to safely drink from the well on occasion too.
We also need to practice getting our needs met. I’m convinced that as busy moms, it’s imperative to abolish the excuses and begin practicing asking for and accepting help. We need to believe we are deserving of relief, cooperation, and assistance on occasion. Otherwise there will be unintended consequences in the form of anger, frustration and resentment.
ASKING FOR HELP BENEFITS OTHERS
In addition, we’re likely robbing our loved ones of opportunities to contribute to our relationships and feel needed.
Years ago, I asked my then husband – could you empty the trash? His response – yes, I could empty it. I thought – why is he being difficult? But wanting the trash out of the kitchen, I begrudgingly rephrased with an exasperated huff – would you empty the trash? He answered – gladly. I was both shocked and elated at this response.
To answer my earlier question, the reason he had issue with my wording was because I was undermining his ability. I truly thought asking could you empty the trash was the same thing as asking would you empty the trash. It turns out, it is not. In fact, it’s somewhat emasculating.
Of course he can empty the trash, it’s silly of me to ask. My real request is if he would empty it for me. But asking it that way made me feel vulnerable and asking him his way made him feel useful. A bell went off in my head. I suddenly got it. He wants credit for helping me. And I want his help as well as validate him as a contributor so I learned to ask differently.
ASKING FOR HELP CAN BE EFFECTIVE
Asking for support really isn’t hard and it can be highly effective, if you do it the right way. Here’s how to do it.
Begin with a very clear result in mind. This is critical because you don’t want to wind up asking the wrong thing or something that you hope leads to the right thing. Be very clear in your request.
Your request should be two things – reasonable and doable. Reasonable meaning that it’s fair to ask. ie asking your husband to feed the baby at 2am when he has a work commitment at 6am. That’s not fair to ask. Doable meaning the other person is capable of fulfilling the request. ie asking a 9 year old to watch his 5 year old sister while you leave the house is not doable.
The request should have three components to be effective.
- firmly stated in the form of a question
- outlined with a clear expectation
- delivered with respect
Here are some examples of ineffectively asking for help.
- The smoke detectors need fresh batteries. (only an observation, no request made)
- Maybe you can change the batteries in the smoke detectors. (only a vague statement, no commitment requested)
- Have you changed the batteries? (no commitment required, no expectations provided)
- I guess I’ll have to change the batteries in the smoke detectors since no one else will. (no direct request made and passive-aggressive behavior only broods contempt)
- Change the batteries in the smoke detectors before we leave! (not respectful, no commitment requested)
- Before we leave on Friday, would you please replace the batteries in all of the smoke detectors? (effective request because it’s a clear, respectful, direct question)
Requests should be: firmly stated in the form of a question, outlined with a clear expectation and delivered with respect
WOULD YOU PLEASE?
Would you please is a powerful way to ask for someone’s commitment. It puts the onus on the other person to say no. However here’s the hard part. You have to let it hang, if necessary. Do not backpedal. Do not offer excuses. Do not answer for them. If it’s a reasonable request (which we already know it is), let them respond. It’s on them to say no, so don’t give them an out.
This is so hard for many because the silence is uncomfortable but you need to be confident that 1) it’s a reasonable request 2) you deserve to ask it, and 3) they’re capable of fulfilling it.
‘Would you please’ is so powerful
SAYING NO IS THEIR PUROGATIVE
With all that said, it doesn’t mean they will or even have to comply. And that’s ok. Because we all have our own value systems, boundaries etc and can make decisions for ourselves. Just because we provided a compelling reason for help, doesn’t mean they have to help.
This is important to understand. We’re not going to get what we want every time we ask for it. But we’ve been told no before and survived so this is no different. However, we will get what we want more often than not if we ask.
Also, there could be consequences for them saying no and that IS entirely up to us. We can choose if we want to further support this person, such as having a dialogue that focuses on roles and expectations etc. It doesn’t mean retaliation, it just means a closer look at the relationship and what we’re getting out of it.
Also they may dodge the question by asking another question or distracting with another topic. Get tough and make the request again, word for word, to drive home the message that a response is expected.
IN SUMMARY
Asking effectively means:
- Always state in the form of a question, not a demand, not a vague statement.
- Be direct. That means a specific request, preferably with a time frame.
- Be professional. Decency and respect can go a long way with requests.
