Parenting needs to step up its game. We have too many untethered children trying to navigate a complex, confusing world and then eventually embarking on adulthood without the necessary life skills to do so successfully. Instead we are unleashing alarmingly underprepared people who lack conflict resolution skills, empathy, integrity and ambition into society, fully expecting they’ll cope well. Read on to learn the critical parenting mistakes that need to stop immediately.
PARENTS NEED TO…PARENT
Many factors are responsible for this but I firmly believe it all begins at home. Plain and simple, parents shape children. They are the primary contributors to every kid’s character. Self-entitlement, lack of accountability, poor work ethic, and apathy are based on the parent’s level of engagement, firmness, consistency, follow-through and support. Without guidance, limit setting and proactive involvement, the kid will wander, because no one is leading him.
And when I say parents, I’m referring to the primary caregivers. Those who are influential and have authority over the child. It’s not the teacher, the karate instructor, the older sibling. Though they all may be influential, they are not the person responsible for the child. The primary caregivers need to consider if they’re making any of these parenting mistakes and if so, correct asap.
CHILDREN ARE NOT GETTING WHAT THEY NEED
Today’s young generation struggles with depression and anxiety. We no longer teach them conflict resolution skills, accountability, self-soothing or the importance of achievement. These should be building blocks introduced during formative years but instead we’ve shielded them from critical life experiences while focusing on excess and distraction, all in the name of being good parents.
THE TIME IS NOW TO STOP THESE PARENTING MISTAKES
So what’s causing these critical parenting mistakes? The following six factors have played an integral part in the degradation of parenting over the past couple of decades and need to be corrected now for the betterment of our children and future.
1. BEING THEIR FRIEND INSTEAD OF THEIR PARENT
A major problem with today’s parents is they want to be friends with their kids. They spend so much time away from them, pursuing a career or education or trying to make ends meet, that they don’t want to spend the time they do have arguing or enforcing rules. It’s exhausting to nag, remind and police but the child is counting on it. Besides, kids don’t need another friend; they need a parent. Without a parent, no one is directing them to be self-sufficient adults.
Kids crave structure. They want to know their life is predictable. They need routines and clear rules. I’m not saying they like it. I’m saying they need it. Without it, they spin. Bedtimes, screen time limitations, homework expectations, and chores are needed to help kids anticipate what’s to come as well as what’s expected of them, so they can feel less overwhelmed and confused. Life is hard enough to navigate, parents need to provide children a stable structure.
In addition, allowing a child to treat you casually is a bad idea. She needs to respect you at all times, so your roles need to be well-defined. Occasionally he will test limits or forget himself, and treat you like one of his friends. Using casual language or displaying lewd behavior in front of you is inappropriate. While it may be tempting to go with it because your kid is happy and you want to be the cool parent, avoid it. It’s impossible to maintain authority when your child thinks of you as his equal.
2. NOT BEING PRESENT
It’s become commonplace for parents to check out when they are with their kids. Instead of using the opportunity to connect with their child, develop intimacy, and create memories, they allow, and in many cases, encourage distractions.
Parents at their kid’s games with their heads down, focused on their screens. Mothers pushing a shopping cart, having meaningless phone conversations while children beg for their attention 1-2 feet away. Dinner in separate rooms and/or at different times. DVD movies and noise canceling headphones used for 20 minute car commutes.
This has become the new parenting norm and I’ve seen this start as early as toddlers who can barely hold a cell phone. But the excuse I hear is — oh she really likes [insert latest app/cartoon/game]. I just can’t get it away from her. She would also put pennies from the ground in her mouth but you don’t allow that. The toddler is not in charge; you are. She needs you to impose limits on her.
Meals, car travel, activities, errands and dozens of other activities should be focused on social interaction. How can we expect our children to learn socialization and communication skills if we, as parents, don’t interact with them?
3. EXPECTING TO BE REWARDED
The likelihood of your kid voicing appreciation for creating limits and enforcing rules is nil. On occasion another mother may look at you with understanding and great sympathy but you’re not getting thanked for a very long time. You’ll have to reinforce the same rule day after day, have the same argument time after time, deal with eye-rolling, exasperated sighs and grunts of acknowledgement for nearly a generation.
Parenting is definitely thankless. You have to make a lot of sacrifices and get minimal, if any credit. So I would urge you to pay it forward by thanking your parents for all the selfless acts they lived through while probably wanting to throttle you. It’ll feel good to say it and they will be over the moon to hear it.
Also avoid creating opportunities for your kids to validate you such as giving them gifts and money without reason. Just resist it. It’s confusing to the child and sends the wrong message about rewards. Their purpose isn’t to ease your struggle.
4. MINDING YOUR OWN BUSINESS
Let’s face it, kids don’t make great decisions all the time. They frequently think they know better than adults. As a parent, you need to step in and know their business.
Many would say this is a violation of the kid’s privacy. I say privacy is either earned or for people who support themselves. Your house, your rules and you’re entitled to check on them, their phone, their room, their car anytime you choose and without cause. It’s how you show you care about them, their safety and their future.
Hopefully you reach a point that you don’t need to but the right to pry should always be clear. If kids didn’t rely on you, they’d be adults and likely not living in your home and needing your help. But they do need your help and do live in your home, so they have to answer to you as long as you have questions.
Having a phone, car, and/or your own room is a privilege, not a right. And if suspicious behavior crops up (missing school, slurred speech, unexplained spending, lying, etc), the conditions should get tighter. You have to know about the problem to get ahead of the problem.
5. AVOIDING ALL NEGATIVE FEELINGS
We can’t have good without bad or else we can’t call it good. It would just be the norm. The same thing with feelings. The only way we can feel happy is by knowing how sad feels. It’s part of the human condition and denying children those feelings by intervening with a distraction or gift or undeserved praise is actually doing them a disservice.
It’s ok when they feel negative about something. Yes, they’re uncomfortable but how can we expect them to self-soothe if they are never given circumstances to practice? They need to feel sad or angry occasionally to understand their actions have consequences. Just as we allow them to feel joy or pride in their accomplishments, we need to allow them to feel disappointment or guilt when they fall short.
As a parent, trust they will get through it, especially with your guidance. It’s hard to let your child wrestle with an adverse feeling but do realize it will pass and he will not only work through it, he’ll grow from it. You can’t run interference forever, so give her the opportunity to feel all her feelings – good and bad.
6. ASSUMING THEY KNOW YOU LOVE AND SUPPORT THEM
Kids are inevitably going to screw up. For the most part, they’ll make forgivable, correctable mistakes. Despite what they’ve done, they need to know they have your support no matter what. You are their biggest fan, their protector, their caregiver and supporter. They can come to you with anything and you will approach with an open mind and be fair. Sometimes that means administering negative consequences and it feels icky but they still need it. Their welfare is always your first priority. Always.
And on that note, children need to know it and hear it. Often. Knowing that someone unconditionally loves and supports them is paramount. So tell them you will always support them. You may not always agree and may even offer differing advice but ultimately you are 100% behind them.
Parenting is a gift but also the hardest thing you’ll ever do. It’s also the most important thing you’ll ever do. You’re raising a future member of society. Arming him with self-sufficiency, consideration for others, integrity, accountability and a healthy dose of grit. You have to teach her how to be assertive and resourceful yet kind and productive. That role carries a lot of responsibility and it’s a tough row to sow for sure but it is critical.
Children may be our future, but parents are our present. It’s uncomfortable and certainly exhausting to maintain consistency and firmness but it’s so critical.
SHARE/COMMENT
Where do you stand on these parenting mistakes? Do you think parents overcompensate and/or under-regulate their children? What’s your parenting style? What parenting mistakes are your biggest challenge?
